Best Man

Being a best man is a bit like being called up for the army.
A great honour, but scary as hell.
I was chuffed to bits by being asked to join my good friend Samir, and his wife-to-be, Frances, at the alter, but almost instantly the fear of the dreaded speech set in. I had well in advance of a year to write the thing, but suddenly, it seemed like the most oppressive deadline I had ever encountered.

I must admit, I fell short in arranging his stag. Mercifully, Samir picked up the pieces himself, and I vowed to make the speech memorable, romantic, funny and poignant. 10 seconds after this claim, I realised I had set myself up for a catastrophe.

The night came and I was shaking like the proverbial leaf.
Then the most amazing thing happened. I delivered the speech. People laughed. Some even cried. I got rapturous applause and my usually unforgiving mates gave me plaudits enough to make a porn star blush.
I'm sure wedding audiences are kind, and sure also that my memory is providing a Hollywood sheen to a semi successful piece of public oration, but it is a moment I am extremely proud of, and one that seemed to genuinely add to the couples day.
Even if, a year later, I did forget their 1st anniversary...whoops!

Below is my speech in full (minus a few ad lib embellishments). Feel free to plagiarise:



Thank you that was overwhelming…
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is James and I’m deeply honoured to stand here as the best man this afternoon.
Let me first say how beautiful the bridesmaids look today, only rightly outshone by our bride, Frances. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me fellas, today is a sad day for single men everywhere as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree…that today's passing by without much of a ripple.
I’m very flattered to be best man but I’m finding this speech very difficult. It involves public speaking and saying nice things about Samir and I’m really not used to doing either, so please do bear with me.
And also because like all good friendships, the majority of our stories aren’t really suitable for public functions.


Up until now, there hasn’t been much I’ve envied Samir for. After all a beer belly and a camp run are not high on my wish list. But standing here today on this beautiful occasion, surrounded by family and friends and the way these two look at each other, it is hard not to be a little bit jealous. Also, I wanted to hold the cane! But no…
When Samir started talking about this girl called Frances who he had this amazing affinity with I thought “How will he muck it up this time?”
Thankfully he didn’t and has convinced Frances to marry him in what can only be described as a ‘shock victory’.
Previously our friendship was forged through our love of music, our passion for terrible action movies, but most importantly…our failure with women. Of course, our conversations on this subject have suffered since Samir met his lovely wife and I‘ve had to feign an interest in motorbikes to dispell the awkward silences. Frances has genuinely changed his life for the better, and managed to convert a hopeless bachelor into a hopeless husband. She has not only managed to cure his distrust of women but also instil an interest in curtains. There’s nothing more tragic than a grown man in Habitat!

I’ve been best friends with Samir since we met on a job induction weekend for Reebok. I sat in front of him on the coach for a three hour slog to Bolton whilst he played air guitar to the Stereophonics the entire trip. I thought “this guys an idiot.”
Over time he proved me right, many times. But we also realised we were as useless as each other when it came to the ladies and after many years he has become my wingman. The Apollo Creed to my Rocky, the Turk to my J.D. He’s always the first one there to celebrate our good times and to offer advice and pull me through the low times and if I’m totally honest, he is the real ‘best man’ here today.
That said, he IS all too willing to dress in women’s clothing. There was his stag where he looked liked a middle Eastern Norman Bates. But there was also a party we attended a few years back where, after a few drinks, he swapped clothes with a gay American drag queen called Michael. I’m not sure what gave Michael the wrong impression, but as Samir slipped out of his pleated mini skirt and handed him back his sequinned boob tube, Michael, convinced he was on to a winner turned to him and said “Do you like to play with boys?” Samir insists nothing happened but I still say it doesn’t take half an hour to put some jeans on.
With his patchwork heritage consisting of Arabic roots, his Scottish birthplace, and his Catholic upbringing, Samir has should have the culture, the education, the civility of three men. Instead he has the appetite of three men.
He is the only person I’ve ever met who views eat all you can buffets as a competitive sport. And if Frances wants to make it through this fraught, financial winter she might consider investing in locks for cupboards.
About 70% of Samir’s personality has been formed by Sylvester Stallone movies and
we once met the man himself. Baring in mind this is his all time hero, Samir did not handle himself with grace and poise. He opted instead to dress as Rocky and refer to Sylvester AS Rocky. I will never forget Sylvester staring back in a mixture of confusion and sheer disappointment.
But despite the macho exterior, he does have a softer side. Most of which we were exposed to over the stag weekend.
But he is, also the proud father of two…two house rabbits, of course named Rocky and Rambo.
27 and bunny whipped! What a shame.
It can’t be easy for Frances constantly clearing up after hairy beasts who soil their bedding and munch through everything….you can insert your own joke there.
I have noticed that the rabbits are fast taking on attributes of their master.
They get crabby around meal times, they smell bad and they’re rubbish on the guitar.
Samir has so far written a handful of songs, mostly about bodily fluids.
We can only pray he hasn't chosen "PMT" for his first dance.

They say that the best mans speech is the worst 5 minutes of the grooms day, but fortunately for you Samir it's almost over. Unfortunately, Frances, your worst five minutes will probably come later on.
On a more serious note I am so privileged to be up here along side my best friend as he marries someone who I love just as much. I think Samir and Frances are the type of friends who will always be there when you need them. And together they’re worth more than anything I could put in words.
I’d like to thank the brides family and Mr and Mrs Katcherian for making today possible.
Samir, I’d like to thank you for affording me this privilege, for trusting me with a speech and not sacking me when I lost us the go-karting.
It’s going to be difficult to share your affections with Frances but we’ll pull through.
Frances, good luck! Look after him for me, and maybe loan me him back so we can play squash every now and then. He’s a better man for you being around him and I’m happy you have both found the kind of real love that makes an event like this as beautiful and important as it should be.

So please, can everyone be upstanding and raise your glass to the newly-weds.
Samir and Frances.